there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Less talking, more tequila
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
