During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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