mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
