That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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