You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
