Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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