Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
