I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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