I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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