All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
