we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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