Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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