It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
