drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
