I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize