If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
