Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Randomize
