I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
