Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i think my cat just said my name.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
