Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
