i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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