I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
