How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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