I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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