In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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