You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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