even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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