I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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