He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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