He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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