She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
