he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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