i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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