I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
