and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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