Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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