yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
