she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Floor bacon is actually really good
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
