I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
