how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
