dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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