I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
