ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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