my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
