Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
