I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
