I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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