You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
