Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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