____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
