I am in a vortex of obligation.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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