Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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