they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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