I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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