i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
