she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
