I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
