you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
