Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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