we have pet lesbian snakes
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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