I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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