My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
