I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
