I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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