Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
