I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
