There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize