Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize