I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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